Beyond Meat COO reportedly attempts to consume human nose

Memo to Beyond Meat COO Doug Ramsey: human noses aren’t vegan.

Ramsey was arrested in a road rage incident at a parking garage in Fayetteville, Arkansas. According to local news outlet KNWA, which cited law enforcement, the incident started when “a Subaru ‘inched his way’ in front of Ramsey’s Bronco, making contact with the front passenger’s side tire.”

Ramsey came out swinging, and the Subaru’s owner said Ramsey “pulled him in close and started punching his body” before he “bit the owner’s nose, ripping the flesh on the tip of the nose,” according to KNWA. Reportedly, Ramsey also threatened to kill the other driver.

Maybe Ramsey was on edge because Beyond Meat shares have fallen 92 percent from their peak closing value of $234.90 in 2019? Like a lot of synthetic products, Beyond Meat seems calculated to appeal to almost no one: meat eaters presumably want to eat meat, not imitation meat, and many vegetarians (hello!) don’t want fake meat because if we wanted to eat meat, we fucking would. Inflation has also hammered Beyond Meat, which cost almost twice as much as real ground beef in June, The Financial Times reported.

Or maybe this is just market research for a new Beyond Meat product for the edgelords among us, and we can look forward to human-flavored Beyond Meat at our local grocery stores sometime soon. That would, indeed, be beyond meat.