But yeah, all right. We can’t stall forever. The fact is that none of the above, fascinating as it is, will get tongues wagging (or, I suspect, orders flowing) anything like as effectively as how the £148k XM looks. Even in images, this beady-eyed SUV is pretty challenging to behold. But in the metal it’s brutal, almost shockingly unapologetic, which is exactly as M intended. I’m struggling to remember the last time a car maker went quite so far down this road. Tesla Cybertruck?
Size-wise, the XM sits between the X5 and X7, so the footprint is sensible. The shutlines are oyster-shell tight and the creases in the body panels are deliciously crisp. However, the bevelled-block proportions are thuggish and the details a total bastardisation of M’s customary strong suit of turning out cars that have a forceful, muscular elegance to them.
There are fussily stacked exhaust pipes, gold elements abound and the front-grille surround is LED-lit, just in case you missed it. BMW expects the US and China to account for roughly half of all sales, and perhaps the XM looks passably diffident next to a Ford F-450 at the intersection lights. But for M’s traditional audience, it’s hard to see how this SUV can ever succeed as an object in the way even the X5 M does.
The inside is better, although the pervading theme continues. First sight of the leather-lined, Dunhill-style holdall containing the charging cable genuinely had me wondering whether somebody from a fancier publication left their luggage behind. Nothing wrong with a nice bag, but it’s indicative of a style-over-substance approach.
Yet be in no doubt BMW knows how to craft an interior. Metal-dipped plastics sit flush with leather and soft Alcantara, with not one stitch out of place. The curving iDrive 8 infotainment display rests on an expansive panel of matt carbonfibre. Flimsy vent controls aside, perceived quality is sky high. Our test car also had the Coffee Brown Vintage leather dashboard, finished with a process that accentuates the hide’s natural characteristics. Again, probably not what a typical M2 driver wants, but this is new ground for M, with new customers and new expectations.
There’s also an enormous, contoured roof panel that changes colour with the driving mode, while BMW refers to the chevron-stitched second-row bench as the M Lounge – which is surprisingly appropriate. Passengers will be lavishly cosseted, sure, but the car’s steeply rising beltline and tinted rear windows ensure the space captures something of a basement-bar vibe.