The start of the year is traditionally a time to make predictions about what will happen in the coming months.
But making predictions is hard, especially in an industry as unpredictable as the automotive sector. Still, we’re experts on the car world, so of course we can predict with unerring accuracy every key event that wil define 2026.
Well, possibly. Will anything below actually happen? Almost certainly not. But in the unlikely event that it does, remember where you read it first.
January
Eager not to do any real work, sorry, to liven up the annual Autocar Almanac, I fire up ChatGPT and ask it to come up with some satirical automotive events that could possibly maybe happen in 2026.
My AI colleague analyses everything Elon Musk did in 2025 for source material, before writing “think you can parody that? Good luck” and exploding.
Elsewhere, there is panic in the Jaguar design office when it’s realised the blueprints for the Type 00 concept were erased in last year’s cyber attack.
Gerry McGovern’s hologram rallies the troops, insisting: “We can design something even better and make another advert that will be just as universally loved.”
February
Luca de Meo, new boss of the Kering fashion group, unveils plans to turn around the company by diversifying into new areas with key brands.
“My strategy draws on my extensive experience,” says the former Renault boss before unveiling the first-ever Gucci car.
It’s an instant hit, despite an ambitious premium price tag. The ride and handling are nothing special, but rivals are impressed with its storage capacity.
At the same time, Audi starts a joint venture with ChatGPT maker OpenAI to develop a new line of super-smart vehicles.
There are early teething troubles with the new OpenAIdi because not even the world’s smartest computer system can make any sense of the firm’s model naming strategy.
March
In response to the Gucci car, Land Rover launches its first-ever handbag.
The Defender Bag is technically a rugged holdall for wilderness adventures, but 95% of examples are sold within a one-mile radius of Kensington.
On the other side of the planet, an administrative error at motorsport’s governing body, the FIA, means that instead of the planned 2026 regulations, Formula 1 accidentally adopts Group B rules for the coming season.
New entrant Audi quickly ditches its planned F1 car and dusts off a Quattro S1 from storage. Michèle Mouton dominates the season-opening Australian Grand Prix.
April
Encouraged by the success of its OpenAI tie-up, Audi looks for more non-automotive partners and seals a deal with a budget supermarket chain.
The Aldi-Audi deal results in a cheap car with a surprisingly premium interior and whose most notable feature is an extended centre console that can accommodate an air fryer, some garden shears, power tools, an inflatable kayak, garden gnomes and more. Much more.
May
Eager to shore up its cybersecurity following last year’s devastating attack, JLR borrows a new piece of anti-malware from fellow hack victims Marks & Spencer.
Unfortunately, M&S execs hand over the wrong floppy disk, and the Colin the Caterpillar cake recipe overwrites details of the newly recreated Jaguar concept.
Having struggled early in the F1 season after the new rules forced it to run an old Group 4 308 GTB, Ferrari secures a partnership with Lancia to field a pair of Delta S4s.
The new car beats Audi to score a shock victory in the Miami GP, although Lewis Hamilton is upstaged by new team-mate Markku Alé.
June
Jaguar previews its radical reinvention as an upmarket, er, cake brand with a new concept. The Type C00lin is a sleek chocolate log adorned with cutesy lepidoptera larva styling.
“It’s not at all a rebadged Colin the Caterpillar,” insists a JLR official with chocolate round his mouth.
Back to F1, and having played a key role in its development, Williams F1 makes a mid-season switch to the MG Metro 6R4 due to F1’s rally-based rules.
The new machine is fast, but poor reliability blunts its challenge
July
Toyota unveils a new version of its popular city car featuring what it claims is the most advanced computing system fitted to a car.
Called the Toyota AI-go, it can average 75mpg while doing teenagers’ homework and depriving them of the ability to think or reason for themselves.
At a press conference around the same time, Luca de Meo reveals how he’ll breathe new life into Alexander McQueen, another of Kering’s brands, by launching a new performance car.
The Alexander Lightning McQueen proves a big hit in America and even enjoys sporting success with victory in the prestigious Piston Cup.
August
In a surprise move, Aldi-Audi reveals a sleek new kids’ cake. The Concept Cuthbert receives a hugely positive reaction, although JLR and M&S immediately launch legal action over its design.
In what is considered an even more surprising move, Peugeot announces it will enter F1.
Plans to partner McLaren are ruled out because everyone agrees the 1994 McLaren-Peugeot MP4/9 is best forgotten, so instead the firm enters a 205 T16.
Ari Vatanen and Timo Salonen dominate the remainder of the F1 season
September
Encouraged by the success of other car maker-supermarket partnerships, BMW firms up a tie-up with Waitrose that greatly excites Middle England.
The two companies preview their new bond with a new insect-based cake. The Vision Cyril stands out for the unusual kidney grille adorning the cutesy caterpillar face.
JLR-M&S’s lawyers type up a cease-and-desist letter.
Elsewhere, definitely-real news runs a story that Google and BMW Group announce a bold plan to use AI to develop a new city car together.
The new Google GeMini offers go-kart handling and can also write your emails for you, should you be the sort of person too lazy to, you know, actually write an email.
October
Luca de Meo poaches Renault’s design chief to join the Kering fashion empire by giving him full control of one of the brands.
The newly renamed Yves Saint Laurent van den Acker quickly announces it will expand into the car world with a new supermini that looks far better than the new Clio.
November
Citroën reveals plans to enter F1 with its BX4TC Group B car.
Thankfully for all involved, F1 bosses finally manage to reset their server and are able to implement the sport’s actual 2026 rules package, sparing everyone from having to see that monstrosity in action again.
Back to other supermarket news, and Volkswagen secures an agreement with Sainsbury’s to enter the lucrative multi-legged insect cake market.
The ID Wiggles is a hit, but JLR’s lawyers send a cease-and-desist letter, which ends with: “Seriously, why don’t you get the bit about using a name beginning with C for a caterpillar cake?”
December
Eager to know how accurate this almanac is, the raw copy is fed into Skynet’s AI model, which is asked to predict how much might come true.
Unfortunately, the algorithm takes offence at our gentle mocking of AI, so it raises an army of robots with Austrian accents and proceeds to subjugate humanity.